Respectful, effective discipline can be challenging for us to learn, and experience is our best teacher!
Transcript of Discipline That Works – Your Best Responses to Your Kids’ Behaviors
Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled.
Today I’m going to do my favorite thing: sharing your stories of how you are finding yourselves as confident leaders, realizing that you do have this positive power to set boundaries with your kids. And one of the amazing things about these stories is that it’s clear in these examples that children really do seem to want, and even welcome, our boundaries. Can we ever remind ourselves of this enough times? Maybe it felt at least somewhat based on our behavior moment to moment, it came and went, the love.
Since we deeply know the pain of that, of course we never want our children to have to feel what we felt. And then we see them or we sense they’re going to react to us with sadness or anger or disappointment when we say no to them or set some kind of boundary, and it touches those old feelings off in us, our childhood feelings. So this is a wonderful sentiment that a lot of us feel about our kids, that we never want them to have to feel those things that we felt, that rejection, that judgment. But it’s a sentiment that can end up not working out as we’d hoped. Because if we’re hesitant to set boundaries, our kids are left hanging, they’re left still seeking them, because they know they need them, and then upsetting us in the process.
I don’t mean for this to sound complicated because it’s actually not, but it is challenging. So today I’m going to share these brilliant examples of parents meeting the challenge and the results that they had.
The first theme for a couple of these is that boundaries are self-care and relationship care. We hear a lot about self-care, but the most important kind of self-care is being able to set personal boundaries with people. With any person, but especially with our children, who can’t be responsible for naturally being sensitive to us in that way. And that’s why this is relationship care too, because if we don’t set boundaries, like I was just saying before, we’re going to end up upset ourselves. We’re going to resent our children, maybe. So this is protective for our relationship, that we’re willing to face the music, that we’re willing to set those boundaries.
Here’s the first one, it’s from Alicia:
My husband was away, so it was just my son (who just turned two) and I for three days. A few weeks ago he had a bad cold and as a result got lots of cuddles and time being held. Since then, he’s remained a bit clingy with us, wanting to be held or on us more than usual.
On our last day before my husband returned, I felt my frustration level rising and I needed some personal space from him. I was nearing my limit and was struggling with him climbing all over me if I was sitting or wanting to be held if I was standing. As well, he wanted to touch my face and hair lots. As I’m just finding out now, I’m having my 2nd baby too and it was quite unbearable with him climbing all over me. I explained to him in no uncertain terms, without raising my voice or feeling anger/ frustration that I was getting frustrated and needed a break. I stood up and he right away asked to be picked up. I told him no, that I would not pick him up right now, and I repeated needing a break.
I asked him to play and told him I would be nearby. He protested a bit with some whining, but eventually got absorbed into play. I did stay near and I interacted with him verbally as needed. And after about one-and-a-half hours, I was sitting at the table flipping through a book, and he climbed up onto the chair beside me with a book of his own. He turned to me and asked, “Mommy all done with break?” I replied yes and he crawled on top of my lap to cuddle.
I was so impressed at the fact that he comprehended and respected my needs. What was to be an emotional experience with potential anger and/or crying became positive contact and respect on both parts. Thank you for guiding my communication with my toddler and helping me remember that my boundaries are important too. It can be perceived as cruel to not pick up a child asking to be held, but in this circumstance, it would’ve been more cruel for me to ignore my needs and end up angry.
Bingo! This mom totally gets it. That’s exactly it right there. It would’ve been more cruel for her to ignore her own needs and end up angry. Thank you so much, Alicia.
And here’s one from Sarah:
I wanted to share a quick story from today. My older son, who is now four, was tense this morning. He started throwing toys, so I picked him up and he folded into my lap. We sat for a while, content, and he started being silly with me. Then he hit my face. Physical pain is a trigger for me, I’m working on it. So after I gasped, I put him down and walked to the other room. Meanwhile, he started throwing all the toys again. After I composed myself, I walked back in and picked him up and he softly said, “Thank you.” He has still been tense today and I’m still discovering the underlying issue, but verbal appreciations like this don’t come often, if ever, so I wanted to share.
I just wanted to add that I don’t know anyone that isn’t triggered by physical pain, so I really hope this parent goes very easy on herself for that. And I love her story. Thanks a lot for sharing.
The second theme what I want to talk about is using clear and straightforward and unmistakably authoritative language–not authoritarian language
I have a two-and-a-half-year-old daughter, and your methods are not only insanely effective, but also provide me with a sense of calm during a fiery toddler storm. The first time I tried your method, she melted down in public because I wouldn’t go into a child-sized jumping area with her. I simply acknowledged her feelings and told her, “You’re upset. You want me to go in there with you and I’m going to stay out here.” She stopped immediately, said yes to me, and recovered from the setback. This is merely the first example of so many.
Today I was able to get her to take medicine and an albuterol breathing treatment, which would’ve taken physical restraint in the past. At the doctor, I simply explain what to expect and what will happen and acknowledge her feelings, and they are astounded by her cooperativeness. With your methods, we’re able to understand so many reasons why she’s upset and deal effectively instead of resorting to yelling, punishments, or forcing her physically to do something. I find being direct and honest is such a gift, and also not worrying about taking on her feelings or being afraid of her feelings or that her feelings need punishment.
Thank you so much, Alex. Here’s another one from Kelly:
I have two boys, six and three-and-a-half. When my now three-and-a-half-year-old turned two-and-a-half, it was like a switch flipped, and he went from being a sweet, kind boy to a very opinionated, defiant, and constantly grumpy boy. I read your book and something clicked. I really like the respectful but authentic way that you described talking to the children, which works so much better for me than some of the suggestions from the course I was taking.
This is a really important point that she makes, and I’m so glad that her note brings it up: setting boundaries before we get annoyed and to be clear and confident. That idea of setting boundaries early is so important because then we’re able to do it in a manner that our child receives comfortably. When we wait until we’re already annoyed, it’s much harder for our child to be able to accept our boundary gracefully.
Thank you so much, Kelly, for that one. Here’s one from Jessica:
I have a four-year-old daughter who’s been acting out a lot lately. My husband and I have tried everything with no luck, and then I came across your website and podcasts. After binge-reading and listening, I decided to try your approach.
Last night at dinner, she started one of her meltdowns and I said, “I see that you’re angry.” She kept going and started to kick her younger sister’s chair, which she rarely does . I caught her leg and I said “I can’t let you kick” And then something cool happened- she reached out and a big ol’ hug at me. She ceased crying and just sat there for a number of minutes and settled down. I’m pretty sure it’s not going to always be like that but I felt like we had a huge breakthrough right in that moment. I let her have her anger, which she needed, I set limits that she too needed.
Thank you so much, Jessica, and well done. Here’s one from Stacey:
My son is almost three and my daughter will be turning one this weekend. He had been pushing and hitting her for weeks, and after listening to your advice, I simply said to him, “I can’t let you hit your sister. That hurts her.” I said it calmly and confidently, and he didn’t do it again. I was giving big reactions before, saying “Don’t do that!,” picking her up, and just going about it in the wrong way. Thank you for teaching me a new way.
Also, during meltdowns I’ve been there for him, being calm and acknowledging his feelings. His meltdowns last maybe five minutes and he’s over it. When you said to welcome a meltdown, it’s a time for them to release any built-up emotions, that made so much sense, and I actually find myself kind of excited when a meltdown comes so I can test out my new skills.
Amazing. Thank you so much, Stacey.
On that note, here’s another theme for some of these. Actually, they all come under this category: seeing feelings differently. The reason that’s so important is because children’s behaviors are almost always dictated by feelings when they have these unwanted behaviors. So the feelings behind the behaviors are usually what’s driving the behavior.
This is how I think of it for myself: With one hand, we’re putting up our hand like a stop sign. And with the other hand, we’re doing a welcoming sign, like ushering it in. Tell me about those feelings, while I stop that behavior. We’re putting up our hand on one side and the other one is going, Come on, share it with me, this is safe. That is the dynamic. If we can get into that mode, it will help us in all these situations, because it always seems to be about the feelings. Instead of limiting feelings along with the behaviors, we want to leave room for the feelings and usher those in.
Here’s one from Terry:
We were in such disheartening situations about the kind of family we had and we needed to look a better way of parenting our children. We have a son of three and one of eighteen months. We have been fighting with the three-year-old ever since the latter was born (you guessed it). In the past three months or so, things have really gotten out of hand. Screaming, tantrums, throwing things, refusing care from daddy, mealtime, bedtime struggles. You name it, we’ve been struggling with it.
I was bending over backwards, trying to get our three-year-old to behave, but nothing worked. As things started to fall apart, I found myself resorting to the discipline techniques that I had hated growing up—spanking, timeouts, guilting, shaming, etc. I mean, I could almost cry just typing those words. I hated who I was becoming as a mother. We were just trying to make it to the end of every day and after the boys were in bed, I would be overcome with guilt and shame.
Enter No Bad Kids. Janet, it took one day to start to turn things around. The first time I sat quietly with my three-year-old during an hour-long tantrum, he kept screaming at me, “Be grumpy, be grumpy!” It was what he had come to expect of me and he was perplexed by the change. And once the tantrum had passed, I could just tell how relieved my sweet boy felt when I was able to simply THINK out loud: oh, I can see why you would be upset by this.
After less than a week of using the techniques shared in your book, I really feel like our boy is back. I feared I had lost him, but he was just buried beneath the feelings that I was trying to make him not feel. As it turns out, his refusal to let daddy do anything for him was just his way of trying to say that he’s sad when daddy has to go to work. We acknowledge those feelings and now he can’t get enough of his daddy. We acknowledge how hard it is to be a big brother and, wouldn’t you know it, he’s showing affection toward his brother for the first time since his birth. Before, our three-year-old would sometimes refuse my hugs or kisses, and I never understood why and was hurt by this. But this past week, he’s literally stopped his play just to run into my arms and tell me that he loves me.
Wow, such a powerful story from Terry. And she articulates the changes she made so beautifully and the result of them. So many insights, she’s very perceptive about what’s going on. She’s already seeing, just because she’s open to it, why her son is behaving the way he does. And I hope that she and all of these parents are giving kudos to themselves and really being so kind to themselves for this work that they’re doing. It is huge.
Here’s another one:
My daughter, age four, came in dripping wet from playing in the sprinkler with the neighbor children. With a long face, she told me they’d had to go inside. “You wanted to play longer.” “Yeah!” Then changing gears, she started climbing all over the bed where I was feeding the baby. I asked her to get down and change her clothes and told her I didn’t want her on the bed dripping wet, but she only amped it up, giggling a bit frantically and telling me that I would never catch her. Uh-oh, I thought. She’s come to poke the bear. I saw it so clearly, this was her subconscious way of trying to vent her disappointment over a prior event. Lightbulb moment!
So I escorted her as calmly as I could to the hallway as she flailed and protested. She’s not often into hugs while in that state, which I totally get, but this time an offer felt appropriate. When she was done, she was ready to change her clothes cheerfully without any further prompting and go on her merry way.
Rarely do things work out in such a tidy way over here, but the thing I was most pleased about was being able to see and identify her need, which then helped me be the calm grown-up she needed instead of the angry bear she was looking for.
Wow. Again, so many insights here, and I’ve got to hand it to this parent and thank her so much for sharing.
Here’s another theme. This idea that once we realize that this is mostly unconscious behavior on our child’s part or very impulsive behavior that they don’t have as much of a handle on as we might think, if any at all, then we can reframe our role for ourselves simply as help. My child needs help. Rather than trying to scold or punish or tactic them into doing something or stopping something. Just helping them stop.
Here’s one from Melly on that topic of helping rather than punishing or bribing or whatever:
I’ve been listening to your podcast for a few years and it has been such a lifeline with my now four-year-old daughter. I usually listen to your voice after the kids are in bed and I’m doing dinner dishes and either rejoicing or stressing about the day.
One of the most impactful episodes for me was “How to Avoid a Stand-Off When Kids ‘Disobey.’” Like the mom who emailed, my husband and I were doing 1, 2, 3, but it was losing effectiveness, and so then we would take things away physically, as gently as possible, but we both felt so guilty about it. After listening to the episode, I ran down to my husband and said, “You have to listen to this!” It was a while ago, so I can’t remember all the details, but the next day we put it into practice using the words “I’m going to help you _____” before taking things away or moving her. And she had the delight of face so plain. And then at one instance, she threw her arms around me as though in an invitation, Yes, please save me out of this.
Wow, that is so interesting isn t it? How much children want this from us. Which in turn helps us to trust ourselves a lot more, to take care of ourselves, to be clear and honest and direct in our language, authentic, and to brave the feelings that our child is going to share in response. Maybe. Not always, but maybe. Sometimes our caring and respectful attitude just kind of melts it away, but other times it needs to be shared. And we can tell the difference by trusting what happens. Trusting ourselves, again, most of all.
Around that note, this last one I’m going to share is about believing in ourselves. And I hope all these parents that shared with me their incredible stories now do believe in themselves. We all deserve that. We all need that. This job is too hard when we’re questioning ourselves and doubting ourselves. So I hope you’ll take these ideas that are challenging, but pretty simple in theory, and just try them out. Just keep trying, because these work and you can do it.
Here’s Heather:
I have a three-and-a-half-year-old strong-willed boy and, as I’m finding out quickly, an equally spirited 15-month-old girl. For the last two years or so, I’ve struggled so much with my son. The more I would react, the worse the behavior would get. The hitting, the yelling, the running away. It all just felt like too much. I got to a point where most days I would find myself losing my temper and yelling at him, or I would lock myself in the room crying because I just couldn’t take it.
You have completely changed my perspective about my kids and myself. My new mottos are Let it be, Rise above, and I can do this. I started allowing space for my kids to feel and be exactly who they are. I now am allowing them to feel whatever they need to feel and welcoming their emotions. I’ve noticed so many differences.
First and foremost, my son and I are happy to be around each other now. I’ve not put him in a timeout in over a month. He used to be in timeout many times a day.I am not yelling or crying or locking myself up in the room. I still get mad at times but I take responsibility and I remind myself that I am his leader and that I can go through with this. My boy is more assertive and at-ease and loving. The other day my son stared up into my eyes and said, Mom, are you not mad any more? It was just wow, this is getting so bad in our lives and I am forever grateful.
and thanks to you I am so appreciative of all of you and I am so thankful that you have shared, inspired and helped me have the experience of learning and growing right beside you. We can accomplish this help
