Janet meets with the single mother this week who is worried that the older parent is handling her daughter inappropriately in terms of her behavior. She explains how her toddler is very strong willed, intelligent, intuitive, loving, sweet and caring, but when she does not get what she wants, she goes crazy throwing things, hitting and screaming. This parent knows that her daughter is acting in a developmentally normal, perhaps even appropriate, way, but it does not sit well with her because, as it turns out, the model she was brought in was completely different. grew up under the auspices of spare the rod, spoil the child,” she says. “I don’t want that for my baby. I will not be that kind of mom. She deserves better.” Janet makes several observations as to how this parent is already achieving her goals, and offers advice for framing her toddler’s behaviors in a manner that will make it easier for this mom to calm herself and continue nurturing their relationship in a positive direction.
Transcript of “Struggling with a Strong-Willed Toddler’s Tantrums (A Parent Consultation)”
Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled.
I’m looking forward to this one, I love the opportunity to engage with a parent and do a consultation here.
Today I am delighted to be chatting with a mother, who contacted me regarding her little girl in the toddler phase who is quite energetic. She is said to be a strong-willed child and she has been throwing a tantrum and facing several meltdowns when she does not have her way. This mom is finding it very difficult to get out of the house in the morning along with her daughter. She feels overcome, she does not know how to react and it keeps on reoccurring.
So I will confront her and ask how we can help, hopefully to make this feel less overwhelming and to make this parent feel more confident as she responds.
Thank you so much for making time to come here today and engage in this interview with me
Parent: No problem. Thank you for offering! Quite a shock, and I appreciate it.
Janet Lansbury: It’s my pleasure. It’s actually my favorite thing to do, talk one-on-one with people because I’m always—I don’t know how many of my podcasts you’ve heard—
Parent: A lot!
Janet Lansbury: Thank you! But I’m always trying to imagine a lot about what’s going on. And I feel like I’ve gotten good at doing that, but it’s never the same as actually getting to ask the person questions and get a response and hear more from them.
I would like to start by reading your original note to me about your issues. Is that okay?
Parent: That sounds great.
And then you said:
Some days I explain I know she’s upset as I continue to brush her teeth, put her shoes on, whatever it is. And some days I yell out of frustration, especially when she spits (like I said, not responding well). Other days I make sure she’s physically safe and try to ignore until she stops. Those days she asks for a hug when she’s done.
The day I sent you the original email while I was on the train going to pick her up, she had a 42-minute meltdown when we got home because I wouldn’t turn on a show. And it was a doozy. I should have spent time on it, but I was lazy and so I sat on the couch, propped my feet, and watched YouTube videos on my phone. After she was finished she asked to be hugged Since that one, the storms are shorter. Did I fix something? How do I fix myself to remember to always respond this way?
And that’s why I said to you that what would work even better was not to have a positive attitude, don’t put that on me! 🙂
Parent: Because that is impossible.
Parent: There’s nothing wrong with her. Yeah, she’s perfect,
Parent: Thank you.
Janet Lansbury: So, job well done. Now from here, let’s take care of you. Not put all this pressure on yourself to make all these things happen that are not in your control at all, like when she self-regulates, at what time. And I’m sure there’s times she’s very self-regulated, right?
Parent: Yeah.
I call it “confident momentum.” So you might give her a moment, “Do you want to wear this or this? Oh, neither one? Okay, you know what? We’re just going to wear this.” And you can do it very lovingly and in an even kind of upbeat way if you’re prepared for it. But if you’re giving her the choice and then she’s kind of wavering and then starting to lose her emotional self-control, now it’s going to be really hard for you to keep the momentum going.
Parent: That’s a really helpful way to look at it. She is preparing for the speech and then she’s having the letdown of the same event, and so she needs time to even out before and after. That’s something that’s going to make it harder for us to have that momentum and that confidence that kids need from us in those times when we’re moving her forward too much. Because that isn’t your job anyway. Your job is to do exactly what you’re doing and not try to help her breathe and all that. I mean, you can offer, Aah, let’s just breathe now, or something, but I wouldn’t put that on your job description that this is something you’re supposed to do. She will learn this naturally by you normalizing for yourself her going through her ups and downs.
Parent: Yeah, she’s a firecracker. And I guess with that firecracker comes fire and I just need to make my peace, be okay with the fact that this is something that she needs to do to make it through the day. This is her release valve.
Janet Lansbury: So you’re not trying to put out the fire. You’re not trying to even lessen the fire in any way.
Parent: That is a completely different spin on what I’ve been seeing from her and how I’ve been trying to manage it. It’s like, no, it’s not yours to manage. You are here to bear witness and to let her go through what she needs to go through.
Janet Lansbury: And take care of yourself. Care for that little girl in you.
Parent: Take care of myself.
Janet Lansbury: Which you can do at the same time, because you don’t even have to bear witness in this active way. Bearing witness could be being on your phone, but it would work better for her to get the message if you could just do the thing I was saying about nodding your head, breathing, letting go of it yourself. Let this fire burn, it’s a safe fire. Because I think even bearing witnesses, I feel a little effort in that. I want you to st
Janet Lansbury: And I hope you’ll believe that.
Parent: In six months I’m going to send you another email and I’ll be like, Janet, guess what happened? Actually, in six weeks I’m going to send you an email and I’m going to say, Janet, guess what happened?This little girl did X Y, Z and what did I do? Nothing. There was nothing to do, and you could not even think. And then logically I was like, wait, you just did nothing. You did not second guess yourself, you did not attempt to fix the problem on her behalf, you did not get angry. You simply allow the world to keep on turning on its axis.
Janet Lansbury: Yes. Knowing that she’s doing what she needs to do there and sharing it with the person that she needs to share it with. You can be that person.
Parent: The person that she loves the most. Yeah. Because it always feels that way, like, Oh yeah, of course you love me. You love me.
Janet Lansbury: Yeah, she does. I mean, that’s why she is just not doing that out there in the world. That’s the exact model that you want, that she can go to school and be that rockstar person and then—
Parent: Be safe at home with mommy.
Janet Lansbury: Yes.
Parent: Yeah, a hundred percent. A hundred percent. Thank you. I appreciate that. As a matter of fact, I’m going to go get her now and see what happens this evening, knowing that I’m armed with a process and more information than I had before we had this phone call. Thank you so much, I appreciate it.
Janet Lansbury: It’s my absolute pleasure. Please give her a hug for me. Once she’s calmed down, that is!
Parent: I will. Have a good afternoon.
Janet Lansbury: You too. Thank you so much.
Parent: Bye.
Janet Lansbury: Bye.
Originally published by Janet Lansbury on June 08, 2025
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