Many children and teens have grief and loss experiences. It has been estimated that up to 1 in 15 young people experience the death of a parent or sibling by the age of 16. One study found 80% of 11-16 year olds report experiencing the death of a “close” family member or friend. Many children also experience other significant losses – for instance the “loss” of the family unit through parental separation, sudden loss of a family home (house fire/disaster), the death of a pet, loss of some aspect of health/mobility, or the loss of a favourite or treasured activity or possession.
Here are some ways we can support our children and teens through grief and loss experiences.
1. Information giving: helping children and young people understand what has occurred and what will happen next
Children and young people often do not have knowledge or life experiences which help them understand a range of grief and loss situations. For example: unlike adults, often young children don’t always understand that death is irreversible and that a person/pet will not “come back”, or what to expect in a funeral service.
Do you understand what has happened with X/to Y?
Do you want me to explain anything about X/Y/Z/?
Often young people don’t know what happens when X/in Y situation – would you like me to tell you what I know about this?
Is there anything you are feeling confused about?
Providing information and talking to young people about loss is of course more difficult if you are also experiencing the loss yourself.
Do you have questions about what I have just said?).
When young people know their own (and their family members’) feelings and experiences are “normal” and related to grief they are less likely to be distressed and worried about having or noticing these experiences. They are also often more able to be able to communicate them to others.
Here are a few ways we can help young people understand the feelings and reactions they might have.
“When someone dies/X happens/we lose something important to us, people have many different feelings like sadness, anger, worry, loneliness.
People also sometimes feel guilty about things/relieved about other things or just feel numb.
All of these feelings are normal and a way of our brains trying to cope with what has happened?
Have you noticed any of these feelings?” Have you noticed XX (ie me/your sister/someone else who experienced the loss) having any of these feelings?
“When someone dies/X happens/we lose something important to us, people have different things happen to their brains/bodies. like having trouble thinking/remembering things/feeling sick/having headaches. Have you noticed any of these feelings?”
We can also use books and poems to provide information about normal grief reactions. There are hundreds of books written to explain or explore grief concepts to and with children and adolescents. A Google search for “children books grief” is a simple way of accessing a list.
As well as exploring and explaining concepts and inviting young people to “talk” about these feelings and experiences, we can also invite or set up ways of them expressing their experiences in ways which do not use language. For example:
Would you like to use this (paper/clay/craft materials) to show me/others what it has been like for you?
Some kids/teens like to write a blog/story/poem/create videos about their story/experiences. If you’d like to do that I could help by….
We could use these puppets/figurines to pretend they are…
Would you like to play this game AS IF…(acting out a situation)
Some young people want to and are able to talk/express/share easily and for longer periods of time, with a lot of detail– and others are not able or do not want to talk very much at all, and “shut down” a conversation very quickly. Some research suggests girls are more likely to describe their grief emotions/experiences in more detail than boys, and both boys and girls who are more expressive and talkative in general (not surprisingly) are more likely to talk about their grief.
In general it is not true that the less a young person “talks” about their grief, the more problems they experience. This means as adults it is important we invite children/young people to talk about their grief experiences but not to push for them to do so, or worry excessively when they do not.
3. Being understanding/accepting of “normal” periods of functioning during grief
Most people who experiences grief have periods of intense grief, and periods of time with less intense grief experiences. Children and young people may have even greater variation between these episodes.
Some young people may feel guilty about this, so it is helpful let them know this is normal. As a parent/caregiver, this can sometimes also be concerning or disturbing, as you may wonder if your child is “processing” the loss in helpful ways.
Please know that these periods of “regular functioning” are normal and both intense experiences of grief, as well as the periods of time in which they act/cope without showing grief, are healthy parts of the grief process.
4. Provide reassurance about “secret” fears and sources of guilt
Many young people have fears and sources of guilt which they feel they cannot talk about in case of upsetting someone, or because of shame. For example, they may believe they have done something to contribute to the loss, or are doing something to make things worse for family members. They may be secretly afraid of further losses, or feel ashamed of some feelings they are experiencing in relation to the loss.
These secret fears and guilty feelings make young people feel worse. We can help young people feel better by asking them about some common fears/sources of guilt and reassure them. For example:
Some kids/teens are afraid that this will happen to them/happen again/happen to someone else. Is that something which you think about?
Some people wonder whether it have been better if this happened to them. Does that come into your head?
Some kids/teens think there are things about this which might have been their fault in some way?
Lots of kids/teens have other worries or things they feel guilty about thinking or saying. Do you have any things like this in your head which you would like to share?
If you think your child may be more likely to confide in someone they see as “neutral” who is not so directly connected to the loss, it may be helpful to think of another adult they trust (or a counsellor/therapist) who they may be able to talk to.
Again, using other forms of communication other than talking can work better for some young people to help them express their fears/sources of guilt. This might include drawing, text messages, or “acting out” concerns.
Assisting children to determine proper methods of remembering and recognizing their loss (or to make sense of their loss)
This doesn’t mean we should push young people to do this – as stated above, some young people will be more open and able to share and express than others – but it does mean it is helpful to provide opportunities or space for this to happen.
Young people can remember, “honor” and talk about what has been lost in a variety of ways including:
- Creation of and sharing/looking at photo books/photo boards
- Space for conversations about the loss – eg asking children/young people about their favourite memories of
- who/what they have lost, or what they think someone would be doing/saying
- Wearing special items of clothing/jewelry
- Drawing pictures, creating videos, setting up social media/blog/digital accounts
- Craft/clay/making of items to keep or share
- Visits/outings to graves/sites of remembrance
- Playing particular games/doing particular activities done “in memory”
- Sharing memories (verbally, show and tell, stories/poems, pictures) with peers and classmates
Anniversary celebrations - For some young people, another way of remembering their loss is “making meaning” from it. This might mean raising awareness of an issue, fund raising, sharing their experiences or learning about something related to the loss.
6. Help children develop a plan for “waves” of intense grief
Like adults, children and young people have periods of time in which they experience grief more intensely. These periods of time might be predictable (ie when they are reminded of their loss due to an event or situation in their life) or unpredictable (something minor might “trigger” a memory or thought about their loss).
We can help young people to know that “waves” of grief are normal, and also to help them generate a plan to help them cope through intense experiences of grief.
It can be helpful to do this in advance. How we introduce the idea will of course vary according to age and situation, but some of the following sentences might be appropriate:
Usually when we are grieving, there are moments and times when we have a very strong sadness.
There are four different parts of a plan we can have. We don’t have to have all of these, or any of these – they are just ideas. The parts of the plan are: 1) things to do to keep our brain busy; 2) Ways to move our body and be physically active; 3) Ways to spend time remembering who/what we have lost, and 4) people to talk to or be with.
7. Help with managing tasks of daily lives
Young people who are managing grief, like adults, often find tasks of daily life – like socialising, chores, homework, paying attention at school, getting enough sleep, getting sufficient nutrition – more difficult to manage than before the loss. This might be because their grief is making it harder for them to think and remember things, makes them more tired – or because other people or situations in their life have changed.
We can help young people by negotiating or adjusting expectations for a while. We might need to ask specific questions about their routines and tasks. For example:
Is there anything hard or tricky about this week?
What are the “small things” that just make things harder?
Is there anything in particular coming up which you feel is just too hard?
We then might be able to help young people in negotiations with teachers/schools, helping young people find the words to ask for help/share information with friends or do problem solving in other practical ways.
8. Assisting with returning to routines and activities
In some situations, some young people might find it helpful to have “reduced expectations” for a time (less homework, sporting commitments or chores for example). However it is usually helpful for children and young people to return to their routine and meaningful activities as soon as they feel ready. Some young people want to do this very quickly – and this often worries adults who wonder if it is “too soon” or whether they need more time to “process” what has happened. Generally holding a young person back from their regular activities is not helpful, so we need to be very careful about doing this.
On the other hand, some young people are reluctant to return to school and other activities for a longer periods of time. In this case, we should again allow the young person to lead – however they may need some encouragement to try to be doing some regular activities for short periods of time, rather than have very extended periods of time away.
9. Keep an eye on any unusual or severe symptoms or challenges
Most children who experience losses and grief (even those which seem very traumatic) do not go on to experience post mental health conditions. However, a small minority do develop these conditions. It can be helpful to keep an eye out for these changes in our children:
Deliberately avoiding – for a long time – anything related to their loss (keeping in mind as stated above that some avoidance is normal) even though this avoidance causes them problems
Using drugs and alcohol as a way of coping
Having frightening and ongoing “flashbacks” of something related to the loss
Feeling like there is no hope at all for change and/or feeling suicidal
If you notice these things developing, it may be important to seek support for them for a counsellor or other mental health professional.
10. Provide hope and encouragement to young people
It is important for children’s well-being that they have hope for the future and they will look to us as adults to provide this.